Do you have what it takes to live your dreams?
Self-Confidence is so fundamental to you flourishing, yet it is the most misunderstood aspect of personal growth.
Dr. Kevin Ham
When I was young, I lacked a great deal of self-confidence. When teams were being picked, I was often the last one selected. I was short. I was quiet. Deep inside, I hoped that I would get picked early and be recognized as someone worthy of being part of their team. As I grew older, I decided to strive harder than anyone to develop the skills necessary to be a valuable team member. My mother invoked her dreams of playing the piano on me, but for me, such a solitary endeavour was not my dream. Instead, my dream was to make one of the high school sports teams. I tried out for the volleyball team. Despite being one of the shortest, I was pretty good, but I got cut. I didn't even try out for the basketball team.
In my final year of high school, I decided I would try out for the soccer team. During the summer, I would practice doing 100 kick-ups every day, ensuring that the ball never hit the ground with each foot. Then, I would practice hitting each corner of the goalpost ten times. I got very good at kickups and shooting. I gave it my all. Guess what? I made the cut! Even though I was mainly a benchwarmer, that was the beginning of my understanding of what it took to be self-confident.
Over these five decades, as I have developed myself, I have grown from nothing to 'me'. Weak in mind to strong. Physically weak to very fit. I have observed the inputs that lead to the Seven Pillars of Self and the Three Self Outputsthat have shaped who I am today. I want to write about these in the hopes that they help you develop yourself into the person you dream and aspire to be.
Self-Confidence is not Pride or Arrogance
Pride goes before destruction and a fall before a haughty spirit.
King Solomon
A fall from a great height hits hard. The higher you go in life, the greater the fall. True self-confidence is founded on humility and wisdom.
Humility is knowing who you are and in a spirit of serving and honouring others while still honouring yourself. God loves a humble and contrite heart.
Wisdom is discerning good and evil and knowing what to think, say and act, to who, when and where and understanding the depths and breadths of the circumstances and people.
Pride and arrogance stem from a heightened sense of self at the expense of others, characterized by self-interest and a lack of empathy for others, leading one to believe they are superior to others. It is self-serving, built upon the desire for power, status, control and recognition. It seeks gain rather than to give and serve.
Your 3 Self Outputs
You only reap what you put in and process with time, thought and action.
Dr. Kevin Ham
As you develop the Seven Pillars of Self, you will experience Three Self Outputs.
Self-Confidence
Self-Esteem
Self-Actualization
As I contemplated what I wanted to do in life, I also considered who I wanted to be. At the age of 14, I knew I wanted to be a medical doctor. At age 21 I knew and believed I would be a part of the Internet revolution. I dreamed of making some epic movies in my 50s to 70s. But these are things I wanted to do. Who did I want to be? I wanted to be a man of God. I wanted to be a good father, a good son, a good husband, a good friend, a good entrepreneur, a good doctor, a good philanthropist. I wanted to be an inspirational visionary, giving much more than I received. I wanted to have a wise and understanding heart, one that praises and glorifies God. And if I dared and God granted me such blessings to be not only good but also great as a human being and also in each endeavour I dreamt of doing. This has been my prayer. I have failed often, but each time I reflected and have been humbled by my shortcomings and looked to God and wisdom to lift me upagain.
I realized that self-confidence came from just a few things. But first, I realized what came before self-confidence.
3 Impostors of Self
Being untrue to your heart makes living a shadow of darkness.
Dr. Kevin Ham
Your life is a constant ping-pong match of self-doubt, self-lack, and self-criticism between your present being and the ideal being in your heart.
Self-Doubt
Until you have a good sense of who you are, you will have self-doubt. Everyone around is telling you who you should be, how you should be and what you should be doing. This can be internalized as criticism that confuses your heart about who you truly are and who you should blossom into. Thus, the great oracle wisely asks you to "Know Thyself." Until you are comfortable knowing who you are, warts and all, in spirit, mind and body, you will have varying degrees of self-doubt. Who are you? And you are not just your body. You are in your body.
Self-Lack
You came into this world empty-handed. You will leave empty-handed. What you lack does not define you, but most of the time, we view ourselves from the point of lack, of scarcity rather than as possessing all that we need. It is hard to believe in yourself if you view yourself as lacking in what you require. I knew I was going to be a doctor. If I had viewedthis from a point of lack, I surely would have given up easily. I failed the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test) twice. I failed to get into medical school right after I finished university. Eventually, during my medical interviews, my dreams and confidence in being a great doctor shone through. Where did this come from? I believed I was going to be a great doctor. The energy that emanated was palpable, and I was finally admitted into medical school.
You are not lacking. You may lack the resources, the money, the skills, the network, but you can gain those things in due time. King David said, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have no lack." (Psalm 23:1.) See yourself with all the gifts and abundance within you, just waiting to be actualized. One day, it will be… if you believe you do not lack.
Self-Criticism
Who are you to do that which you dream of? You don't have what it takes. You are not good enough. This self-talk, this self-criticism, where does it come from? Impostor syndrome. The inauthenticity of being leads to self-criticism. When you see a seed, do you see the tree? When you see a caterpillar, do you see the butterfly? Imagine doubting the two.
Imagine criticizing the seed and telling it that it will never become a tree. Imagine criticizing the caterpillar and telling it that it will never become a butterfly. When you compare your current being to that which you dream and aspire to become, what does the process look like? What does that transformation look like? What does that cocoon look like? And when you tell others your dreams of becoming your dream self, what do they say? Do they criticize, in the same vein, comparing your present state (that of a caterpillar) to your dream state (that of a butterfly.) It may be logical, but logic does not actualize dreams. Belief and being do.
Acknowledge who you are now. Accept yourself. But strive to be the being in your heart and your spirit. Develop the discipline and belief to become that person who you aspire to be. Every thought, word, and action tips the scale in favour of the present and future self. Each day is a new day to start again. We do go around life in circles.
While we might deeply care about what others think, both praise and criticism, it is often best to take it in, reflect upon and discard that which is not edifying or useful to you. I often discard 80% of the feedback from others after deeply reflecting upon them and examining my heart. If valid, I take it to heart.
3 Step Self-Confidence Builder
There are many systems proposed to build your self-confidence, like the great Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, King Solomon, and Marcus Aurelius' Stoic principles.
Dale Carnegie
Do the thing which you fear.
Shift focus from self to being interested in others.
Over-practice and over-prepare
Smile, use people's names, and practice being present.
Turn criticism into fuel, not fire.
Live with gratitude and enthusiasm.
Napoleon Hill
"I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my definite purpose in life. Therefore, I demand of myself persistent, continuous action toward its attainment..."
Definite chief aim (Desire)
Belief in yourself and your outcome (Faith)
Autosuggestion (Repetition of Belief). Speak your goal aloud daily.
Specialized knowledge (Skill building by practicing)
Persistence
Mastermind Alliance with like-minded people
Marcus Aurelius
Control what you can. Release what you can't.
Align your actions with your virtues.
Ignore praise and criticism. Follow your heart.
I focus on just three practices. This has been my self-confidence practice since Grade 10 when I had a deathly fear of speaking to girls. My first step was to look them in the eyes and say 'Hi,' then listen to them. I was so surprised when most looked away. This was a big realization that self-confidence is adding drops of water to a bucket and it will soon fill to the brim and overflow if I do the three practices below. The most important is #3, then #2, and then #1. Spirit, then mind, then body.
Self-Confidence Trinity
Make eye contact, smile and listen. (body)
See if you can maintain eye contact longer than the other person. In due time, you will be able to. Don't forget to smile. If someone is smiling, you cannot help but smile. Smiling is contagious. Since I have such a big mouth, my smile stretches wide. Then my heart starts to smile. I recall a time when I was having a bad day, and a stranger simply smiled at me; it had a profound impact on me. I felt like my burden just melted away.
Think and practice. (mind)
Think deeper, with your heart. Dream. Practice more. Rehearse and act until it is you. I practised my medical interview for years in my head and in front of a mirror. The more you practice, the shorter and more impactful your delivery becomes. Lincoln's Gettysburg address. It's just two minutes long. Wow.
Do your best to serve. (spirit)
Your best is all you can do. Give it your all. All your thoughts, all your energy, all your actions. What more can you ask of yourself? And each time, you will get better. It is the law of growth.
Life Question:
How self-confident are you on a scale of 1-10?
How self-confident do you aspire to be in 3 months, 6 months, one year, and two years?
Write a score down and evaluate yourself every 3 months.
Next week:
Self-esteem: Why do icons feel empty when they reach the pinnacle of success?
See you next Thursday!
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